Coronavirus Is A Bitch
by Walter Bryan Cranston White
Summary: Mostly set around the same as Toolshed Returns, The Coon gets paranoid about the Coronavirus. He and four other heroes try to do something about it


Freedom Pals base.

Science room.

The Coon was looking through a microscope.

Tupperware, Wonder Tweek, Mosquito and Fast Pass enter the room eating their Chinese meals.

Mosquito: What the fuck are you doing?

The Coon: Seeing if Mr Kim has spat on my chow mein. Because did you know that people with the Coronavirus also try to deliberately infect others by spitting on them?

Wonder Tweek stares at his Chinese and throws it away.

Tupperware: He didn't do it Tweek, that would be unsanitary and he'd be shut down for that.

The Coon: I'm only checking you guys.

Mosquito: Well me and the guys are getting pretty annoyed with your accusations. The Coronavirus hasn't hit South Park.

The Coon: Just let me study s-hold on, what's this?

Fast Pass: W-what's what?

The Coon: There's some green substance on my chow mein. There's also some white stuff as well. Hold on, they're boogers and cum.

Tupperware, Mosquito, Fast Pass and Wonder Tweek were shocked.

Tupperware: Boogers and cum?!

Tupperware, Mosquito and Fast Pass throw their food away.

Wonder Tweek: AAAAHHHH! The Asians are probably planning to infect us! Cartman was right!

Fast Pass: We g-g-g-gotta warn The Freedom Pals and f-f-f-f-fa-fast.

The Coon: No! Doctor Timothy will think we're being ridiculous.

Tupperware: But this is serious dude! You're right.

The Coon: But I don't want to cause any more panic in the Freedom Pals.

Wonder Tweek: So what do we do?! AAAAAAAHHHHH!

The Coon: I got an idea. Follow me.

Later.

Cartman residence.

The Coon leads the four into his backyard.

The Coon: This is what I've been building.

The Coon shows the four a quarantine tent.

Tupperware: A quarantine tent?

The Coon: Not just a quarantine tent. A big ass quarantine tent.

Wonder Tweek: How much money did you blow on this?

Mosquito: Does your Mom know about this?

The Coon: Yes, she does. She's kewl with it.

Tupperware: But seriously dude, how much did you blow on this?

The Coon: This was made by Mephesto for a huge amount of 12 dollars. I also got us hazmat suits for when we enter the tent. Except for you Tupperware, you look pretty safe in there.

Tupperware: Well I feel safe.

The Coon: Good.

They enter the tent, wearing their hazmat suits, to discover two rooms on the side of the main entrance.

The Coon: These are the quarantine rooms. So we can keep the filthy infected.

The Coon leads them into a security room.

The Coon: This is the room so where we could keep an eye on the quarantine rooms.

Tupperware: Why are there four monitors when you could be using two?

The Coon: Uh, no reason.

Mosquito turns on the monitors and it is revealed what the third and fourth ones are for.

They notice on the screen two girl bedrooms.

Mosquito: Who's rooms are these?

The Coon: Uh, alleged Coronavirus carriers.

One of the girls enters the room and it was Heidi.

The four glare at The Coon.

Tupperware: If the 2nd one is Nichole's, you're dead.

The Coon: No, it's Sophie's.

Tupperware: Gross!

Mosquito: Bzz! Dudes Sophie's getting undressed.

Fast Pass: Really? L-let me see.

The Coon: Holt shit! Really?!

Wonder Tweek: You three are disgusting.

Tupperware: What are we gonna do once you three have done perving on Sophie?

The Coon: We're gonna capture the asshole who jacked off into my food.

Fast Pass: S-s-s-she's taking her pants off.

The Coon: So you get the plan you two. We're gonna capture Mr Kim. Now get out and wait for us.

Tupperware and Wonder Tweek leave the room in disgust.

Later.

White's residence.

Mr Kim had delivered Mr White his Chinese.

Mr White: And how much is that?

Mr Kim: No, no. It's on the house.

Mr White: Really?

Mr Kim: Yes weally.

Mr White: But I thought no one cared about the Whites.

Mr Kim: But I do sirry.

Mr White: I see. Well thanks a lot.

Mr Kim: Have a nice night.

Mr White closes the door.

Mr Kim starts to walk away whilst rubbing his hands in an evil fashion.

Mr Kim: But what he don't know is my secwet ingwedient you Yelp user dog.

Suddenly a tranquilliser dart hits Mr Kim in the neck.

Mr Kim: What the fuck?

Mr Kim pulls the dart from his neck.

Mr Kim: It's gonna take more than-

A few more darts hit Mr Kim in the neck.

Mr Kim: Come on, you goddamn pussies! Do your worst!

7 more darts hit Mr Kim in random places.

Mr Kim: Ok, you need one more dart and than I'm o-

A dart hit Mr Kim in the nose.

Mr Kim pulled the dart from his nose.

Mr Kim: That should do it.

Mr Kim collapses.

Later.

Mr Kim wakes up in the quarantine chamber.

Mr Kim: Hey, what the fuck?!

The Coon (Voice on PA system): Herro Mr Kim. You're in my quarantine chamber.

Mr Kim: Why?

The Coon (Voice on PA system): Because I see you've been trying to deliberately poison me with your boogers and cum. Meaning that you're trying to poison me with the Coronavirus.

Mr Kim: But I don't have the Coronavirus!

The Coon: That's what all the infected say.

In the security room.

Wonder Tweek: This is amazing, now we'll be safe from the Coronavirus.

The Coon: No, we won't Tweek. Because there's more Asians in South Park and all might be carrying the Coronavirus. So as a bunch of survivors we will save this town.

Mosquito: What about the Japanese ones?

The Coon: We'll capture them because I struggle to tell who's Chinese and who's Japanese.

Mosquito: So where do we start?

The Coon does a badass turn.

The Coon: I know where.

A montage of our five main protagonists is shown.

The Coon and Tupperware capture the sensei from Bloody Mary.

Tupperware, The Coon and Fast Pass are than seen capturing Mrs Nelson.

Mosquito and Wonder Tweek are seen capturing the Yaoi girls.

Than The Coon, Tupperware, Mosquito, Fast Pass and Wonder Tweek are sneaking up behind Kevin Stoley.

The Coon: Hold on, stop the music.

The music stops.

Mosquito: Why?

The Coon: Because I'm not sure about this one.

Tupperware: What do you mean?

The Coon: I mean Kevin looks Chinese, but I'm not so sure if he is.

Fast Pass: I mean, he-he-he-he fits the de-description per-per-per-per-per-fantastically.

The Coon: Hey Kevin, are you Chinese?

Kevin: Chinese-American.

The Coon: Oh.

A few moments of silence erupted.

The Coon: Get him!

The five all tackle Kevin.

Later.

The quarantine tent.

There were a lot of people from Asian culture in the quarantine rooms, trying to break the glass.

Kevin Stoley: Let me out! I miss Red!

Mr Kim: Who's gonna run my Shitty Wok?!

Mrs Nelson: I have work you bastards!

The Sensei: You rack disciprine!

The Coon (Voice on PA system): Alright you crazy infected, it's feeding time.

Suddenly a shower of mashed potato fell on the "patients".

The "patients" were screaming and crying.

Whilst the five protagonists stared at the sight.

The Coon: What a day.

Mosquito: Bzz! We're gonna be heroes.

Tupperware could only watch on in guilt.

4 days later.

South Park elementary.

4th Grade Class.

The new teacher was Mr Mackey.

Mr Mackey: Ok students. Since Mrs Nelson disappeared under mysterious circumstances I'll be taking over until she is found, mmkay. Mmkay is Kevin Stoley here? I haven't seen him today neither are the girls who do that amazing Yaoi art. Mmkay. Does anyone have an idea where they might be?

Kenny starts to suspiciously stare at Cartman.

Mr Mackey: Now I'm getting pissed off here. PC Principal's getting suspicious about the lack of students of Asian culture in this school. He really wants the school to be diverse, mmkay. And he's gonna have my head on a fucking stick! If either of you don't buck up and tell me where the fuck are all the other students of Asian culture!

The students were shocked after hearing Mackey say all that.

Cartman could only smile with pleasure.

Whilst Kenny watched on with suspicion.

Later.

Red is seen crying whilst Annie and Bebe are comforting her.

Bebe: I'm pretty sure they'll find him, girl.

Red (Crying): I don't know. I don't know if they'll find him.

Annie: But Kevin wasn't the only Asian who disappeared, Mrs Nelson and the Yaoi girls disappeared as well.

Bebe: And can I ask how that's supposed to comfort her?

Annie: I don't know.

Kenny was listening to the conversation.

Kenny than started staring at Cartman, who was chatting to Token, Tweek, Clyde and Jimmy.

Tweek: I don't know how (Twitch) long I can go through with this (Twitch) man.

Clyde: But don't you realise Tweek, this is the only way we can save South Park?

Token: But we're locking up people.

Cartman: For the greater good Token.

Clyde: The greater good.

Cartman: Clyde, don't do that.

Clyde: Sorry.

Jimmy: But Token if w-we released the City W-Wok guy, imagine what he-he-he-he'd do to Nichole.

Token: Don't start bringing Nichole into this!

Cartman: Quiet Token. Do you want these stupid assholes to catch the Coronavirus?

Token stood thinking.

Token: No.

Cartman: Than just go with it Token.

Token sighed.

Token: Fine.

But little did they know, Kenny was watching them from the corner of the door.

Kenny pulls a face that said "He heard everything".

Later at the quarantine tent.

The "patients" were moaning and crying.

The Coon (Voice on PA system): Quit your bitching!

Kevin Stoley: Let us out!

The Coon (Voice on PA system): None of you poor people shall leave. You may leave if either of you A: Die or B: If they find a cure and C: If you give me a foot massage.

Mr Kim: Ok, I'll give you foot massage!

The Coon (Voice on PA system): Psyche! Do you think I'm that fucking stupid?!

Voice: Yes.

The Coon turned his head to where he heard the voice and Mysterion was standing at the front entrance.

Tupperware: Kenny?!

Wonder Tweek: Oh shit man!

The Coon: Relax guys, Kinny's probably here to congratulate us on taking care of our patients.

Mysterion: They don't have the Coronavirus!

The Coon: And how do you know that Kinny?!

Mysterion: Because I was listening to what you were saying. And Token, I thought you were better than this.

The Coon: Well Token knows we're saving South Park. Right?

Tupperware sighed.

Tupperware: Yeah.

The Coon: See?

Mysterion: Well you'll not (Cough) get away with this.

The five stare at Mysterion with fear.

Mysterion: Now come on Coon lets-

The Coon pulls a gun out of his pocket and points it to Mysterion.

The Coon: Don't come any closer Kinny!

Mysterion: Why?

Wonder Tweek: AAAAHHHHH! He's got a cough! That's a sign he's got the Coronavirus!

Mysterion: I do not have the Coronavirus!

The Coon continued to point his gun at Mysterion.

Mysterion started slowly approach the five.

The Coon: Don't come any closer Kinny!

Mysterion: I don't have time for-

Suddenly The Coon shot Mysterion in the head.

Fast Pass: Oh my God! You killed K-K-K-Kenny!

Wonder Tweek: You bastard! Now the Freedom Pals will get suspicious about his whereabouts!

Tupperware: Nice going dick.

The Coon: Well if Mysterion has the Coronavirus than all the others surely have! Put the body in the closet!

Mosquito: Bzz! But Coon-

The Coon points his gun at Mosquito.

The Coon: Put the body in the fucking closet Clyde!

Mosquito and Wonder Tweek put the body in the closet.

Later.

The five were having a meeting in the meeting room.

The Coon: Ok, since Mysterion has been infected than surely the whole of South Park has.

Tupperware: How big is this tent?

The Coon: Mephesto used a bit of British technology. Let's get back on track. Since Mysterion is infected than that means South Park's infected.

Mosquito: So what do we do?

The Coon: I say we stay here until this all blows over.

Tupperware: How long will that be?

The Coon: I don't know.

Wonder Tweek: AAAAAAHHHHH! What if it never ends?!

The Coon: As long as we have plenty of food supplies than we'll be fine.

One day later.

The Coon was sleeping on a pile of wrappers.

A displeased Tupperware and Wonder Tweek enter the room.

Tupperware kicked The Coon.

The Coon woke up.

The Coon: Good morning.

Tupperware: You ate most of the food rations.

The Coon: I was having a midnight snack.

Wonder Tweek: And you ate most of the food rations you fat fuck!

The Coon: Well I'm sorry if I did!

Tupperware: If? If? You're lying on a bunch of wrappers.

The Coon: Ok I did. But I guess I lost control in myself.

Tupperware: Well good job idiot, now we don't have enough to survive for a whole month!

Mosquito and Fast Pass enter the room.

Mosquito: Bzz. What's going on?

Wonder Tweek: The Coon ate the food rations!

Mosquito and Fast Pass: What?!

Fast Pass: H-h-how will we sur-survive?

The Coon: Ok when we're out of food rations, we'll have to eat something. So I say we eat Jimmy.

Jimmy: N-n-n-no!

The Coon: Ok, we'll eat Jimmy's legs.

Tupperware: We're not gonna be eating anyone!

The Coon: Who put you in charge Token?!

Tupperware: I think I'll be taking command of this, look at our patients! They need food, we need food!

The Coon: Ok! Since you're wearing protective gear than you can go and get food.

Tupperware: Ok, give me money.

The Coon: I don't have money, I blew it for this big ass quarantine tent.

Tupperware: So how are we gonna eat?!

Wonder Tweek: I'm down for eating Jimmy's legs.

Tupperware: I'm not gonna eat anyone's legs! Do I make myself clear?!

The Coon points his gun at Tupperware.

The Coon: Don't make me do this Token!

Token: Go ahead! Shoot me! Do it! Because if you shoot me than my culture will be on your fat stupid ass! So come on you fat fuck, pull the trigger!

The Coon's finger looks like it's about to pull the trigger.

Tupperware: This has gone too far Coon, I'm leaving.

Tupperware exits the room.

The Coon: Fine you black asshole! Go out and catch the Coronavirus! I'm gonna feed our patients.

The Coon goes to feed the patients, but he discovered that all the patients were gone.

The Coon: What? Where are the patients?!

Tupperware: I released them and I also called them.

Mysterion, Toolshed, Call Girl, Human Kite and Super Craig were now in the tent.

Mosquito: When did you have time to do this?

Tupperware: I did it 20 minutes ago.

The Coon: Why aren't you assholes wearing your hazmat suits?

Super Craig: There were none outside.

The Coon: Shit, he figured out my trick question.

Toolshed: So, this was where everyone went?

The Coon: Stan, you're back?

Toolshed: That's not important right now fat ass!

Call Girl: Eric you are such a dumb asshole! How could you hold a bunch of innocent people against their will?

The Coon: It was for the greater good.

Mosquito: The greater good.

The Coon: What did I say Clyde?!

Call Girl: No seriously, how could you? It would've took an army.

Human Kite: You four are coming with us.

The Coon: Never!

The Coon starts running away.

But than he ended back to where he was before.

The Coon: Shit!

The Coon ran down another room, but he ended up back to where he was before.

The Coon: Fuck! Where's the map when you need it?

The Coon ran down another room.

Mysterion: How big is this place?

Tupperware: Mephesto used a bit of British technology to achieve this.

The Coon ended up back in the room where he was before.

The Coon: Why didn't Mephesto give me maps?! This place is fucking enormous!

The Coon sighed.

The Coon: Oh fuck it.

Later at the Freedom Pals base.

The five protagonists were on trial.

Doctor Timothy: _Coon, Wonder Tweek, Fast Pass and Mosquito, for your crimes against our Asian residence you are suspended for four weeks. But since Tupperware had the guts to tell us what you four were doing, he will be suspended for two weeks._

Tupperware: Thanks Timmy.

The Coon: Fuck you Timmy! He has a lower suspension than us because he's black!

Doctor Timothy: _That's not the case Coon._

The Coon: Yes it is you asshole!

Doctor Timothy: _Ok, five week suspension._

The Coon: Oh fuck!


End file.
